A Queer Fertility Journey in Australia
Jade (she/they) and Katie (she/her) met on Tinder nearly nine years ago and had their first date in Newtown. On that first date, Jade said they never wanted to get married or have kids.
Well, here they are: married with their first baby, after a fertility journey that included two egg retrievals, 57 eggs, six embryos, four failed transfers, ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and one mosaic embryo that everyone said was unlikely to work.
What makes their relationship special is their playfulness. They bring out each other’s inner child and aren’t afraid to be silly together, anywhere. When it came time to plan their pre-birth shoot, they knew they didn’t want the typical heteronormative vibe. They wanted something that captured who they really are: big kids having a little kid.
How did you decide to have kids as a queer couple?
On our first date Jade said they never wanted get married or have kids. Well here we are almost 9 years later married with our first bub having recently arrived.
We started getting serious about starting a family during COVID, after the pandemic brought on a shift in priorities. That’s when we contacted a fertility clinic to find out more about our options.
The decision around carrying was made easy. Katie has a complicated medical history and wasn’t keen on passing on a genetic condition, so Jade was ready to take one for the team.
How did you choose a sperm donor?
To keep things simple and uncomplicated, we decided to use a clinic recruited sperm donor. Although a long wait time and limited appropriate donors made us question this decision. None the less we persevered!
Choosing to use Jade’s egg was simple. No known genetic conditions, great family history of fertility and no medical issues. Jade also felt that they may need the sharing of DNA to help deepen the connection, since they aren’t big on kids. Turns out, they think they just needed to carry to feel that connection.
What was your fertility journey like?
It feels cliche to talk about our road to conceive as a journey, but it’s true. There are so many challenges, excitement and disappointment when undergoing the fertility process. Not to mention the incredulous costs associated with fertility treatment, it is certainly not for the faint hearted. It definitely wasn’t what we expected and we wish we had known just exactly what was involved and how long it would take before hand.
In case the number of appointments, tests and counselling sessions wasn’t enough of a time consuming setback, we were then stuck on a donor wait list for 9 months before being able to access a donor list. Only to find out that there were limited appropriate donors for IUI procedures, let alone donors that have similarities to Katie. Another few months passed by, a couple of extra tests and we’d finally found a donor! But, Jade had a career opportunity that they couldn’t say no to and our family planning hit pause for a year. When we were finally ready to press play, we were back to looking for a new donor, which of course took a little more time.
Under the optimist view of the fertility specialist, Jade was a good candidate for a successful IUI procedure, but of course we weren’t that lucky and were unsuccessful after 2 rounds of IUI before moving on to IVF.
Tell us about the rollercoaster of egg retrievals and transfers.
Again, there was optimism in the lead up to the egg retrieval. We knew Jade had lots of follicles and was fortunate enough to retrieve 24 eggs! We were then hit with a rude and disappointing shock that the 24 eggs only resulted in 3 embryos.
We knew it would reduce but were not expecting by that much.
We were also told that Jade was at risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome so a fresh transfer was not possible and we would have to wait another couple of months before injecting more hormones and having a frozen embryo transfer.
Finally we had built up our optimism, hope and excitement as the transfer day approached. Then the two week wait before a pregnancy test, what a killer two weeks. Unfortunately it was negative, and we were back to disappointment.
At least we had 2 more embryos, or so we thought, and then after 4 more months and 2 more failed transfers we had no embryos left and no pregnancy.
We were both mentally drained and Jade was also physically drained from the toll of the hormones and procedures. But it felt like we couldn’t give up until we had the outcome we wanted.
You had to do a second egg retrieval, and chose preimplantation genetic testing – tell us about that.
Our only option was to do another egg retrieval after some additional testing. This time 33 eggs were retrieved!
A day later Jade wasn’t doing well after the retrieval and ended up in hospital with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, which took a little while to recover from.
Meanwhile optimism was smashed further when again only 3 embryos made it.
This time we had preimplantation genetic testing done on the embryos since there was no medical reason for the last 3 not to have worked. When we got the results back, Jade cried in the specialist’s office. One was XXY aneuploid, the second was +13 mosaic and the third was +5 mosaic. Two of the three could not be transferred due to their conditions and the other one was highly unlikely to be successful. After going back and forth, discussing pros and cons, and talking to genetic counsellors, Jade said to Katie, let’s just transfer it and see what happens.
We knew it was unlikely so we didn’t get our hopes up and had already started talking about how we would fund the next egg retrieval.
The two week wait was over and we got the news that the transfer had worked, we had a positive pregnancy test. We were shocked and very cautious because we knew it was possible to miscarry.
The 12 week mark passed and we still had a growing pregnancy.
Then the all important amniocentesis was done at 15 weeks to determine if the mosaicism had remained, potentially leading to some fetal complications, or if it had resolved.
We were overwhelmed with joy when the result eventually returned and the mosaicism was not present in the fetus, meaning our pregnancy continued to be viable and our baby was healthy.
What was the pregnancy like for both of you?
There were shared anxieties in the first and early second trimesters, not knowing if a miscarriage was going to happen and not knowing if the mosaicism had resolved. We decided not to tell anyone, including family, until Jade was half way through the pregnancy and we were in the clear and share the excitement.
After all the ups and downs that came with getting pregnant, Jade was very very very fortunate to have a wonderful pregnancy. No major symptoms, no vomiting, no complications. Jade was able to continue living their life like normal, with a few minor adjustments.
Katie loved that Jade felt well throughout the pregnancy and enjoyed sharing the food cravings.
Our excitement grew as the due date approached and we knew we were ready to share our love with our little squish.
How did you decide to do a maternity photoshoot that felt queer, creative and you?
We had discussions about whether to do a maternity photoshoot and were close to agreeing not to do one. All of the shoots we’d seen were, in our opinion, a bit cringey and very heteronormative. It just didn’t feel like us. We weren’t sure if there would be a photographer out there that could capture what we wanted.
Katie followed Sydney Photographer, Carlita Sari, on social media after Carly did the photography at Jade’s uncle’s wedding. The results of which were incredible and we had felt a great vibe from Carly during the wedding. We had gone through Carly’s website and saw some incredible works that were bright and unique, and we thought, we could be onto a winner here.
We met with Carly and she just understood exactly what we were after. We bounced ideas around and came up with concepts centred around our playfulness and the idea that we are just big kids having a little kid.
The experience on the day of the shoot was chaotic in the best possible way. It was fun and energetic, it felt like we were capturing exactly what we wanted. It was not going to be your usual maternity shoot.
We are so grateful that we have these photos and that we will get to look back on this point in time and remember that life is a rollercoaster and to make the most out of it.
How are you balancing parenting roles as queer parents?
Our parenting roles and responsibilities are being shared equitably.
Jade is on parental leave for the first 9 months while Katie works. Then Katie will be on parental leave for 6 months when Jade returns to work.
Currently Jade is doing much of the caring, but as soon as Katie gets home from work she takes over allowing Jade to rest. This will switch when Katie is on leave.
We are both parents equally and will keep communicating to stay on the same page.
What advice do you have for other queer couples starting a family?
If planning to use a fertility clinic, use a fertility specialist that you have trust and confidence in. Educate yourself on the cost and time it takes. Be prepared to go through a lot of ups and downs. Don’t be afraid to speak up, change clinics or donors!
Keep communicating if you’re in a partnership and build a support network.
Captured by Carlita Sari Photo
