Who Proposes in a Queer Relationship? How Real Couples Actually Decide

There’s no rule for who proposes in a queer or lesbian relationship. It’s whoever wants to, whoever gets there first, or both of you, one after the other. Most of the lovers we feature decide by talking about it early, then keeping just enough secret to still get a surprise. Here’s how that plays out in real life, from double proposals and proposing to a nonbinary partner to the very practical question of who pays for the ring.

No rule for who proposes, so here’s what actually decides it

Straight couples inherit a script: one person asks, one person answers, one ring changes hands. Queer couples get a blank page. That’s freeing and a little annoying, because nobody tells you whose move it is.

Butch, femme, both or neither, presentation doesn’t decide it. Neither does who’s older, who earns more or who said “I love you” first. Across the thousands of engagement stories we’ve had the privliage of sharing over the years, these are some of the things that we see play out in the deciding factor of who asks:

• Who’s been ready longer. Often one partner has been quietly ring shopping for months while the other is still thinking about it.
• Who loves planning a surprise, and who would hate being asked in public. Some people want the hidden photographer. Some people want it on the couch in pajamas.
• Who has a specific dream. Jazlind once told Samantha her dream proposal “would happen at The Met in front of a painting I love.” Samantha listened, and proposed at The Met.
• Who wants a say in the ring. If one of you has very specific taste, that can change everything about how the proposal happens.
• What simply feels right to you two. Danielle and Sarah “had always planned” for Sarah to go first, “but Danielle had no idea when it would happen.”

If you’re both itching to ask, good news. You can both ask. Lauren and Mallory found out early in dating that being proposed to mattered to both of them, so they made a deal: either one could go first, “but then the other had three months to reciprocate.” Mallory asked on the beach after roller skating and a wine tasting with their siblings. Lauren answered the very next weekend with a surprise picnic overlooking the lighthouse in Palos Verdes.

How lesbian couples decide who proposes first

These are the five setups we see most often. None is more real than another.

And, if you can’t work out who is actually going to propose first, try this:

1. Say out loud that you want to get engaged, and roughly when.
2. Each say if you’d rather ask, be asked or both.
3. If you both want to ask, agree on an order or a window, like Lauren and Mallory’s threemonth rule.
4. Agree on what stays secret. The date, the place and the ring are the usual three.
5. Set a “no later than” date so nobody is left refreshing their notifications forever

Double proposals and mutual proposals: two ways to get two yeses

People sometimes mix these up, so quickly: a double proposal is two separate proposals, sometimes hours apart, sometimes months (fun fact; the humans behind Dancing With Her had proposals 6 years apart). A mutual proposal is one planned moment where you both ask.

Emily and Liz did the double version. Emily proposed in December 2023, “about six months before Liz expected anything,” dropping to one knee at Tacoma Narrows Park just as a harbor seal popped up. Liz answered later on a road trip down the California coast, proposing inside a hollowed-out redwood in the Avenue of the Giants. Read their redwood double proposal story.

Samantha and Jazlind ran two secret plans at once. While Samantha was organizing The Met, Jazlind was secretly planning to propose in Central Park under the cherry blossoms. Both happened, on the same day. See the double proposal at The Met and Central Park. Jess and Mik took secret planning even further: they each booked the same photographer, six months apart, for their own surprise proposal on the exact same day. Read the Heceta Head Lighthouse double proposal.

Megan and Jordan went fully mutual: “no surprises, no gimmicks.” They wrote their proposals that morning at Carmel Valley Ranch, read them to each other on a cliff at Garrapata State Park and exchanged rings in unison. According to Jordan, Megan’s proposal was “equal parts love letter and stand-up comedy.” Their Big Sur double proposal is proof that planned doesn’t mean flat.

A few things that help if you’re doing two proposals:

• Decide your engagement date. Is it the first yes, the second or both?
• Let the second one be different. If the first was big and public, a quiet second one lands beautifully, and the reverse works too.
• Loop in your photographer. If you’re booking one for the first proposal, ask about a session that could hide the second. A photoshoot is a very common cover story.
• Write it down. A proposal speech is basically a short love letter. Our guide to writing a romantic love letter and these 25 love letter prompts work just as well for this.

Proposing to a nonbinary partner, minus the gendered script

Most proposal advice online is written in bride and groom language. If your partner is nonbinary, the heart of it is the same, but a few details matter more.

• Use their words, not the template. Skip “will you be my wife” unless that’s a word they love. Ask, casually and ahead of time, what they’d want to be called once you’re engaged. Fiancé, partner, betrothed and “my person” all work. Our list of terms to use when bride or groom don’t feel right is a good conversation starter.
• Pick the ring for them, not for a gender. Kailee and Tally each chose their own: Tally went for “a dainty, feminine ring,” while Kailee’s is “androgynous and eclectic.” When Haley and Jen (they/them) got engaged, Haley found a silver band lined with diamonds, “exactly what Jen wanted.” She’d already started a custom design, and Jen didn’t like it. Knowing their taste beats guessing.
• Think about the audience. A public proposal puts someone on display. If there are family members or places where your partner doesn’t feel safe or seen, keep it private or small.
• Choose an affirming photographer. If there’s a camera involved, it matters who’s behind it. Read what affirming wedding photography looks like for trans and nonbinary lovers, then browse inclusive photographers in our directory.

Liz (they/them) from the redwood story has a custom engagement band featuring Mount Rainier, and Emily’s wedding band features Mount Baker. That’s the energy: specific to the person, not to a category.

Talk about it first: what to agree before anyone kneels

A surprise proposal works best when the question is a surprise and the answer isn’t. Sarah and Ella were “upfront with each other that we were planning our mutual proposals,” but kept the rings secret. That’s the sweet spot for a lot of couples. And if you’re tempted to go full undercover, Lauren and Mallory’s verdict on their secret double plan is worth hearing: “If we were to do it again, we’d take off the pressure of trying to keep secrets.”

Cover these questions together before anyone starts planning:

• Do we both want to get married, and roughly when?
• Who wants to ask, who wants to be asked, or both?
• Full surprise, semi-surprise or planned together?
• Public, private or somewhere in between?
• Rings: one, two, none, or something else entirely?
• Are we choosing rings together or surprising each other?
• A budget range, and who’s paying for what
• Ring sizes (Samantha and Jazlind swapped theirs early on, which made the surprises easy)
• Who hears the news first, and is anyone a no-go?
• A hidden photographer: dream or nightmare?

You don’t need a formal sit-down. Plenty of couples cover this over a few months of “hypothetically…” conversations. Once you’ve said yes (or yes, yes!), our guide to how to plan a queer wedding picks up from there.

Who buys the ring in a lesbian relationship

There’s no default here either, which is honestly brilliant. These are the setups couples tell us about most:

On money, the most common approaches are each paying for the ring you give, each paying for your own, or paying from a shared account. If one of you earns more, say so early and agree what feels fair. Put the rings into your wider budget so they don’t eat your venue money later. The Wedding Budget Allocation Template helps, and there are more on the way on our wedding planning templates page.

Before you buy:

• Leave time. Custom designs can take 12 weeks or more, according to our 10 tips for buying an engagement ring.
• Get sized by a jeweler, not with string or paper.
• Think past diamonds. Sarah and Ella went with a moissanite and an Australian sapphire. Our guide to choosing a ring that fits your style and values covers ethics, sourcing and lab-grown diamonds, and there’s a separate deep dive on cluster engagement rings.
• Shop inclusive. Start with the jewelers in our directory.

Real couples who proposed their own way

Danielle and Sarah, Brooklyn. They’d always planned for Sarah to ask first. She did it with a scavenger hunt that ended on the rooftop of their home “with a violinist and dozens of roses in the pouring rain.” A few months later Danielle returned the surprise on a beach in the Bahamas, under the guise of a photoshoot.
Read their Brooklyn wedding with Jewish and Italian traditions.

Sarah and Ella, Victoria. Two weeks after Ella proposed, Sarah organized a private tour at Edgar’s Mission, a farm animal sanctuary that doesn’t normally do private tours or proposals. When Ella turned her back to pat Harmony, one of a friendly flock of disabled sheep, Sarah rummaged in her backpack for her speech and the ring box. Photographer Nikki Russian popped out of the bushes at the back of the paddock. The rings? Sarah wanted an oval-cut moissanite, because “they’re gay space rocks,” and Ella wanted a multicolored stone in a pointed cut, which became a tri-color Australian sapphire in a kite cut.
See the Edgar’s Mission proposal.

Anna and Nicole, Nashville. Nicole proposed first at The Lipstick Lounge, “one of the 36 remaining lesbian bars in the United States,” with a big carnelian heart reading “What are you doing for the next 50 years?” Anna knew Nicole wanted something private, so she answered with her own proposal on a hike, at an overlook along the Harpeth River.
Read their two proposals.

Haley and Jen, St. Joseph, Michigan. Haley had already started a custom ring and was planning a backyard movie night proposal with a slideshow. Then they found two rings that fit perfectly in a small jewelry store, and outside, Jen (they/them) asked, “Are we doing this?” Haley said “Yes?” They bought the rings, put them on in the car, and “from that moment on, we were fiancés.”
Read the spontaneous mutual proposal.

For more, browse all our LGBTQ+ engagement and proposal stories, including Kailee and Tally’s mutual proposal in San Francisco.

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Keep Reading

• How to plan a queer wedding: the inclusive, no-BS guide
• 10 tips for buying an engagement ring
• Choosing an engagement ring that fits your style and values
• Terms to use when bride or groom don’t feel right
• How to write your own wedding vows
• Find inclusive wedding vendors in our directory